Why Was I Raped?

An incident of rape is a devastating event, but for many survivors, the most traumatic aspect is the psychological torment that remains. One question survivors often come back to over and over again is “Why was I raped?” and “How could this have happened?”

Unfortunately, there is rarely a clear answer to this question. Some rapists believe they are entitled to a woman’s body, while others rape out of hate or a desire to dominate. Some rapists are psychopaths who take pleasure in hurting victims via sexual pain.

The unfortunate truth is that you may never know the answer to this question, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find resources to help you cope with the trauma and heal from your experience. StrongerThan can help connect you to mental health, medical, and financial as well as legal resources. Contact us anytime on our 24/7 hotline.

What to Do After Experiencing Rape

For survivors, an incident of rape is so painful and unexpected that the survivor is left unsure of how to respond or who to turn to for help. If you’ve been raped or sexually assaulted, here are the first steps you can take to get help:

• Call 911 (in case of an emergency) or speak to a rape crisis counselor for urgent help: This dispatcher or counselor will be able to talk you through the incident and access the medical and legal resources you need.
• Go to a safe space, such as a loved one’s house: Remove yourself from the scene of the crime and seek immediate shelter from your assailant. If you live with the perpetrator, consider staying with a friend or family member, or at an undisclosed location.
• Go to a nearby hospital and request a rape kit: A rape kit will document your rape and record any DNA left behind from your rapist. Before receiving a rape kit, you must not shower or change your clothes, as this will provide the most accurate result.
• Consult a healthcare provider to manage immediate symptoms: Get treatment for any wounds or injuries to mitigate infection, and make sure to return for any follow-up appointments and heed your doctor’s directives. Your doctor will also be able to direct you to a mental health professional who can help you cope with emotional trauma.
• Consult with a sexual violence attorney to discuss possible options: When ready to do so, consider pursuing legal action against your rapist. A rape conviction can stop your attacker from hurting someone else, and it can allow you to pursue restitution for the physical and mental trauma you’ve endured.

Understanding Rape | Whose Fault Is It?

One of the most devastating aspects of rape is that it leaves survivors feeling as if they could have done something to prevent it from happening. They feel guilty and ask themselves questions like “Did something I say lead them on?”, or tell themselves “I shouldn’t have gone out alone” or “I shouldn’t have worn something so provocative.”

While these reactions are common, they misplace the blame entirely and even excuse the actions of the rapist. How much you’ve had to drink or your fashion choices are not important factors in determining who is at fault for the violent action of rape. The only details that matter are if consent was given freely and if that consent was violated.

What Is Sexual Consent?

Another important factor when considering the definition of rape is whether consent was given. Many of us have heard the expression “no means no,” but consent can be more nuanced than that.

A freely consenting person will often initiate physical contact, maintain eye contact, and express desire verbally or physically. They will be conscious and coherent with uninhibited enthusiasm and a relaxed body posture.

Not Saying “No” Does Not Mean “Yes”

A non-consenting person does not necessarily need to be screaming “no” during a sexual act to be non-consenting. Non-consenting people may physically distance themselves from others, keep their clothes on, avoid eye contact, or generally look uncomfortable.

Ultimately, just because a person doesn’t say “no” does not mean it is an automatic “yes.” Sexual consent must be given freely without coercion or force.

It is also important to note that a person may consent to one type of sexual act (such as kissing or cuddling), but they may not consent to another (such as oral or penetrative sex). They can withdraw their consent at any time for any reason, and it is perfectly okay for them to do so.

Degrees of Rape

The definition of rape can vary from state to state, but generally speaking, there are four degrees in which rape is sometimes categorized.

First-Degree Rape

Forceful penetrative sex where the perpetrator was armed with a weapon and the victim was injured. To be considered first-degree rape, the crime needs to have been committed in tandem with other crimes and the survivor needs to be between the ages of 13 and 18. The perpetrator of the rape needs to either be related to, living with, or in a position of authority over the survivor.

A crime may also be considered first-degree rape if the perpetrator was aided by another individual and used coercion or force, or if the survivor was incapacitated.

Second-Degree Rape

Second-degree rape is similar to first-degree rape except that it does not always require penetration to be categorized as so. When no penetration occurs, this crime is often referred to as second-degree sexual assault. To be considered second-degree rape or second-degree sexual assault, there needs to be sexual contact in combination with one of the factors associated with first-degree rape.

Third-Degree Rape

A person is charged with third-degree rape if sexual penetration occurred by force, the survivor was a minor, or the victim was incapacitated.

Fourth-Degree Rape

Usually referred to as fourth-degree sexual assault, this categorization refers to sexual contact where the survivor was either forced to participate, was incapacitated, or was a minor.

Rape can happen to anyone or be perpetrated by anyone, regardless of race, gender, nationality, religion, or sexual orientation.

The Legal Definition of Rape

The legal definition of rape has slightly different interpretations across state lines, however in most states, rape is defined as non-consensual, penetrative sex. For many years, the legal definition of rape was described as forcible intercourse or “carnal knowledge” perpetrated by a man against a woman. This was the definition given by the FBI’s Uniform Crime Reporting Unit from 1927 until 2012 when this definition was changed to include more inclusive language that was less focused on gender.

The FBI now defines rape as: “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” The important takeaway from this change is that rape can be perpetrated by any gender. The new definition also does not require the involvement of genitals or emission to be considered rape, and you don’t need to have been strictly penetrated vaginally to have experienced rape.

Marital Rape

Marital rape (also known as partner rape or intimate partner rape) affects individuals who are in a romantic or sexual relationship. While many individuals assume that sex happens freely between two people who are in a relationship, this is not a given. Romantic partners may have limits on when or how they choose to have sex.

Consent does not end when two individuals decide to become intimate partners. If one person decides they are “not in the mood,” it is the responsibility of their spouse or partner to respect their wishes. If their boundaries are not respected and consent was not given, this is considered marital or partner rape.

Date Rape

Date rape is the most common form of rape. Many people associate the term “date rape” with an incident of rape that occurs on a date or in a romantic scenario, but this is not entirely accurate.

While date rape can occur on an actual date, the term more broadly refers to rape that is perpetrated by someone that the survivor knows. This could include a family member, friend, teacher, or church leader. For this reason, the term “acquaintance rape” is sometimes used to describe this categorization.

Gang Rape

Gang rape is rape that is perpetuated by two or more people. It is one of the most serious types of rape, and it is often present in conjunction with a hate crime. These types of incidents commonly occur in war zones or areas of extreme prejudice and are often committed against individuals who are targeted for their ethnicity or race.

Diminished Capacity Rape

Diminished capacity rape refers to rape that is committed against someone who can not cognitively consent to sex. Three groups that diminished capacity most commonly affects include the elderly, intoxicated people, or those with an intellectual or physical disability.

What Is Rape Culture?

Rape culture refers to a culture of acceptance and silence in situations where consent is breached and sexual boundaries are broken. It can be active or passive but when it happens, it enables a normalization of inappropriate or violent sexual behaviors.

Regardless of where you look, there is always some version of rape culture present. However, some communities unfortunately foster rape culture more than others. Sexual agency amongst women is less common in some Middle Eastern or South Asian cultures, for example, and survivors of rape are often overlooked or excused in these communities as a result.

The same can be said in athletic or military communities where a perpetrator may be excused or given a less serious penalty due to society’s enthusiasm for sports or high regard for military personnel. This only works to perpetuate future sex crimes and diminish a survivor’s chance at justice and empowerment. An experienced lawyer can help you fight back against such a stigma.

Victim Shaming

Victim shaming is a common tactic of rape culture. It serves as a way to shift the blame from the perpetrator to the victim of rape, even though the only person to blame in an incident of rape is the rapist. Victim shamers use phrases like “Why were you wearing such revealing clothes if you didn’t want to sleep with him?” or “Why did you walk to that party alone at night?”

When a person asks a question like this, that person is trying to rationalize the rapist’s actions and discredit the survivor’s story.

The Long-Term Effects of Rape

The healing process following an incident of rape is different for each survivor. However, some common long-term effects of rape that are commonly observed include:

• Mental health struggles
  • Post-traumatic stress disorder
  • Mental health conditions, such as depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, dissociation, and compulsive disorders
  • Substance abuse
  • Self-esteem issues
• Effects on relationships
  • Difficulty trusting others or forming long-term relationships
  • Social withdrawal and difficulty making new friends
  • Difficulty communicating or maintaining boundaries
  • Sexual dysfunction such as hypersexualization or a lack of sexual arousal
• Physical health issues
  • Chronic pain, especially in the pelvic region
  • Difficulty falling asleep, nightmares, or insomnia
  • Complications from sexually transmitted diseases
  • Gastrointestinal issues
  • Reproductive health issues

Survivors can experience feelings of shame, guilt, fear, anger, and sadness. Some may withdraw from friends and family, and some may attempt suicide. Seeking professional help is the best way to mitigate these feelings and side effects, and remember that these symptoms do not need to last forever.

When looking at your long-term health concerns, it’s important to talk to your doctor and mention any pre-existing health or mental health conditions that may compound the long-term side effects of rape, such as depression, anxiety, trauma, endometriosis, or gastrointestinal issues.

Can I File a Lawsuit Against a Rapist?

Yes, and there are many legal resources for doing so. There are two types of lawsuits that you can pursue – criminal and civil. Filing a criminal lawsuit means that your rapist will face criminal charges whereas a civil suit does not result in criminal charges.

Both types of lawsuits allow survivors to pursue compensation for their pain and suffering and seek resources, such as therapy and mental health services, to help them. If you’d like to pursue action against your rapist, talk to a lawyer who specializes in rape and sexual assault cases. Many civil rape attorneys work on a contingency fee basis, which means that they will not charge any fees until they win the lawsuit on your behalf.

What Is the Statute of Limitations on Rape?

It depends on the state; however, most states have lifted the statute of limitations for incidents involving rape or sexual assault against a minor, referred to as statutory rape. Generally, the more serious the crime, the more time a survivor has to report the incident.

In the eyes of the law, minors cannot reasonably consent to a sexual relationship and therefore, any sexual relationship that occurs cannot be consensual. Because a child may not have the immediate ability to report the crime or have a full understanding of the crime until they are an adult, many states have lifted the statute of limitations on such crimes or have extended them considerably.

Why Is Rape Underreported?

Rape culture and victim shaming often lead to rape cases being dismissed or not taken seriously. As a result, many survivors of rape feel that they will not be successful in pursuing legal action or that their story will not be believed. Survivors of rape are often scared their attacker (or their friends or family) will take revenge on them for reporting the rape.

Survivors who belong to certain communities may find it hard to find the help they need due to systemic discrimination. The data shows that males (especially military personnel), as well as black and trans women, tend to underreport rape possibly due to the public perception that they are “physically strong” enough to fight off an attacker. Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders often associate rape with shame, which causes them to underreport as well – even though there was nothing they could have done to stop it from happening.

These groups, along with immigrants (especially undocumented immigrants) may also have a reasonable distrust of the legal system due to a fear of deportation, language barriers, incarceration, or police brutality. And if a child was very young when they were raped or sexually abused, they may either doubt their memory of the incident or repressed it, or they may assume there is no evidence available to corroborate their claims.

Why Was I Raped: Myths and Facts

Myth #1: Rape can only happen to women.

Fact #1: Rape can happen to anyone, regardless of gender. Men, women, and non-binary individuals can all be victims of rape. The misconception that only women are raped ignores the experiences of male and non-binary survivors, who often face additional stigma and barriers to reporting and receiving support.

Myth #2: If someone didn’t fight back/scream/say no, then they consented to the sexual activity.

Fact #2: Consent must be given freely and enthusiastically; the absence of resistance or verbal refusal does not imply consent. Many victims may freeze, feel intimidated, or be unable to resist due to fear, shock, or incapacitation. Consent must be clear and can be withdrawn at any time.

Myth #3: Rape is about sex. 

Fact #3: Rape is about power and control, not sex. It is an act of violence and aggression intended to dominate, humiliate, and harm the victim. Understanding this helps address the root causes of rape and challenge the societal norms that perpetuate it.

Myth #4: Rape culture does not exist in the U.S. 

Fact #4: Rape culture exists in the U.S. and is reflected in the attitudes that normalize sexual violence, blame victims, trivialize the seriousness of rape, and perpetuate stereotypes about gender and sexuality. Recognizing rape culture is crucial for creating a society that supports survivors and prevents sexual violence.

Myth #5: Women often lie about rape out of revenge. 

Fact #5: False reports of rape are very rare. Studies show that the prevalence of false allegations is between 2% and 8%, comparable to false reporting rates for other crimes. The myth that women frequently lie about rape undermines the credibility of real victims and discourages them from coming forward.

Myth #6: If a person was drunk or careless, they are partially at fault for the rape.

Fact #6: Victims are never to blame for being raped, regardless of their state of intoxication or behavior. The responsibility for rape lies solely with the perpetrator. Suggesting otherwise perpetuates victim-blaming and discourages survivors from seeking help.

Myth #7: Rape is a random act of violence by a stranger. 

Fact #7: The majority of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows and includes acquaintances, friends, partners, and family members. Stranger rape does occur, but it is less common than acquaintance rape, only making up about 15% of reported rapes.

Moving Forward After Rape: Resources & Support

The following are helpful resources that provide support and guidance to victims of rape:

• RAINN: RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the largest anti-sexual violence organization in the United States, providing support to survivors through its hotline, advocacy, and public education programs.
• The National Center for Victims of Crime: The National Center for Victims of Crime offers resources, support, and advocacy to help victims of all types of crime rebuild their lives and obtain justice.
• StrongerThan: Our online platform offers guides, resources, and a supportive community to survivors of sexual abuse, assault, and rape.
• Joyful Heart Foundation: Founded by actress Mariska Hargitay, the Joyful Heart Foundation works to transform society’s response to sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse through advocacy, education, and support for survivors.
• The Trevor Project: The Trevor Project is a leading organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ youth through its helpline, chat, and educational programs.

Mental Health Resources

• Better Help: BetterHelp offers online therapy services, connecting individuals with licensed therapists for convenient, confidential, and affordable mental health support.
• Talkspace: Talkspace is an online therapy platform that provides users with access to licensed therapists through messaging, video, and audio sessions, making mental health care more accessible and flexible.

Podcasts

• The Healing Trauma Podcast: This podcast features expert insights and survivor stories focused on understanding and healing from trauma, with an emphasis on holistic approaches to recovery.
• Survivor Sanctuary: Survivor Sanctuary is a podcast that offers a safe space for survivors of religious sexual abuse to share their stories and find community support while discussing relevant topics and resources for healing.

Books

• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – This influential book explores how trauma affects the body and mind, offering insights and therapeutic approaches to help survivors reclaim their lives.
• Trauma, Stress, and Resilience Among Sexual Minority Women: Rising Like a Phoenix by Kimberly Balsam – Balsam’s book examines the unique experiences of sexual minority women, highlighting their resilience and pathways to overcoming trauma and stress.
• Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child by Laura Davis – Davis provides practical advice and emotional support for partners of childhood sexual abuse survivors, helping them navigate their feelings and support their loved ones.
• Dear Sister: Letters from Survivors of Sexual Violence edited by Lisa Factora-Borchers – This anthology features powerful letters from survivors of sexual violence, offering solidarity, hope, and insights into the healing journey.
• Mindfulness for Beginners by Jon Kabat Zinn – Kabat-Zinn introduces the practice of mindfulness, providing simple and effective techniques to reduce stress, enhance well-being, and promote emotional healing.